I'd like to say that this week turns the emotional corner, towards happier sentiments. But, instead, I'm going to share with all of you, a little bit about the very bottom that my heart had ever dwelled. This is very different from the experience of losing my mom. This is about losing myself to personal despair. As a point of reference, this took place during the second week of August, 1998. My mom was still alive and unfortunately, my mom, my dad, and my sister, were worried sick about me. Yet, they respected my choices, and suffered silently, while I went on a journey of personal rediscovery. This period of time represented the most significant turning point in my life, at all levels - the most revelatory moments that would define the rest of my life. Obviously, I'm not going to share with any of you, all of the details. But, I will, at least, set the tone, and paint a part of the picture, just clear enough for all of you to understand where I was coming from. Of course, this all leads up to the video that you have already experienced, or, are about to experience. And so, it goes something like this ...
Turning 30, was the very worst for me. The worstest. I turned 30 in January, 1998. I didn't have any preordained intentions of feeling hollow, but, I swear; I woke up on my birthday, feeling exactly that. I'll tell you that it had something to do with being single, but it also had to do with so much more. I will address the part about being "single". I will NOT address the part about "so much more". I had been single since the summer of 1996, right before my 10th high school reunion. I did go, by the way. It was a blast! I went on a lot of dates over the course of those two years, and no, I did NOT sow my oats. I was looking for THE woman, with whom, I would spend the rest of my life. I met very nice women, but none were THE ONE. By the summer of 1998, I had taken some actions that I will always bury within me - NO, my actions were NOT criminal, or, self-deprecating - they were just actions that brought me personal shame - and I will NEVER share. Don't even try. Don't. By the summer of 1998, I had muddled through the depths of my darkness and felt that, if I sank any further, I wasn't sure if I would ever return to the place that I should be. During the first week of August, one morning at work, I approached my kind and soft-spoken employer. I didn't request. I told him that I was going on a road trip, by myself. I was leaving on Saturday morning for one week, and return to work, the following Monday. In his kind manner, he nodded, and never said a word. I told my family that I was going on a road trip, by myself. I was leaving on Saturday morning for one week, and return back home, the following Sunday. "Don't call. Don't worry. Just, let me be." They did. A dark hole burned in my heart when I said those words to my mom. I knew that she would be losing sleep and praying, nonstop, for me. But, I had to do this. If I didn't, I was scared of what might come next. So, I packed a bag. I brought my guitar, that I had just started learning how to play. I stopped by a store in Fife, WA. and bought my first video camera. From that point forward, I burned through (15) ninety minute tapes. My cover of the Bee Gees' "How Can You Mend a Broken Heart" sets the emotional tone for how I was feeling as I drove to God knows where. Just remember that I was feeling despair during that journey. The few video clips used for this week's video represent seemingly normal moments of that time. You just can't hear what I was ACTUALLY screaming about during those seemingly normal moments. The last point that I want to make about that entire experience is that, even though I was drowning in my personal despair, I always had a lifeline tied around my soul. I NEVER LOST HOPE.
"How Can You Mend a Broken Heart" is a power ballad released by the Bee Gees in 1971. The song had been written by Barry and Robin Gibb in August 1970, when the Gibb brothers had reconvened following a period of break-up and alienation. They said that they originally offered it to Andy Williams, but ultimately the Bee Gees recorded it themselves and included it on their 1971 album, Trafalgar. The song was recorded on 28 January 1971 in London. The instrumental track is: Barry Gibb (guitar), Maurice Gibb (guitar, piano, bass guitar), possibly Alan Kendall (guitar), and Geoff Bridgeford (drums), with strings and woodwinds arranged and conducted by Bill Shepherd.